time jump! 18 days in the future just like that.
a lot has happened in the past 18 days. through it all, i stayed put. it’s a strange thing to feel proud about, but it’s true. i directed my attention to the same screen, the same note pad, the same mission day after day, from morning to evening. the “greats” in any craft talk about the importance of consistency and discipline. during college, i lost touch with some of this energy, maybe because i was always trying to show up for others. now, when i wake up, all i see is my desk. when i take my seat in the old spinny chair, it’s my own seat i’m taking, one that i’ve reserved and tended to for myself. there’s a kind of assurance that i can’t wipe off my body that i’m carrying something good here.
yet the doubts come. despite the 464 hours and the 4773 problems, which is beyond the initial goal i had in mind when i designed my plan. what if it’s nothing like what i practiced? what if i can’t find my flow? what if i’m not ready yet? do i turn back?
part of me wants friday morning to come now. just give me the day before i change my mind. let it be quick, even if it’s dirty. i just want to do it. but, i know that’s not how it works. this is just my nerves talking — which i’m glad they are because it means i’m getting settled in the moment. tonight i turn on my switch one last time to remind myself: i live for performance. i live for this anxiety. it’s anguish that i relish. so it’s time to have fun. tuna tartare.
there’s that one proverb, it takes a village to lift up a lion cub like simba, or something like that. (that was the remix version.) we made it here through it all. all that’s left is to be patient.